January 28, 2014

Trying so hard not to make a 2006 'Shoes' title for this post

I accidentally acquired 3 new pairs of shoes in less than a month. I just go through phases of purchasing like items. Like, for a year, I bought almost nothing but nail polish. Then it was nothing but make up. All last spring it was nothing but sundresses. I never mean to be so discriminatory with my purchases but it just kind of happens. I just binge buy like items until it becomes an embarrassment of riches and I tire myself out and move on to something else.

I think these shoes were bought in isolation, though. They were all purchases of gifts mothered by necessity. I'm not a shoe person. I kind of just have one of each type. One pair of flip flops to wear down to the laundry room. One pair of Uggs for the winter. One pair of riding boots for the fall. One pair of sandals for the summer. One sneaker type of shoe, a black and pink pair of Converse. I have about 6 pairs of ballet flats and that's as excessive as I get. That plus some heels I can barely wear make up my whole shoe collection. That's stunningly minimalistic to me. I know some people are reading this and thinking that it's nothing and they only own one singular pair of shoes or just walk around barefoot everywhere. I don't care. This is mind-blowingly inexcessive for me.


My boyfriend's cousin is very aware of my "there's never too much" philosophy on life and got me this little dish for Christmas and told me to think of it with glitter in mind. I keep my night creams on it to remind myself that you can never moisturize too much. I dropped the bag containing the dish on the floor with a bit of force when my boyfriend and I were unpacking after Christmas. He told me to be careful because "your 'buy everything in bulk' dish is in there!" so that's the male perspective on that philosophy. I also had my boyfriend's cousin son open the gift for me so he could rip open the wrapping paper and he shrugged when he saw the actual gift and told me solemnly, "It's a plate." That's the preschooler's perspective.

The aforementioned kiddo's sister was being baptized and I went out to get a pair of shoes for the occasion. I knew I was wearing a navy sheath dress which is my Cher-esque most capable looking outfit. So, for shoes, I wanted something that would match, something that were church worthy and something I could actually walk in. I have Issues with a capital I with heels. I have chunky legs and cankles so heels are a must for me when I wear a dress. My cankles are a fucking joke. My body has a small frame and I have a weirdly small peanut head but the blueprints got lost around my ankles. They're the exact same thickness as my calves. It's just a structural problem. I could weight 80 lbs and still have cankles, I'm sure. So, heels are an actual necessity for me to wear. I look like ugly Britney on a gas station snack run if I don't. Heels are the only thing that me any kind of definition to my legs.

Unfortunately, there are 12 year olds who walk better in heels than I do. It's a horrible joke. The stories I could tell about it. My boyfriend was making fun of me once when we were on our way home from a Valentine's Day dinner in Boston. We were walking through the T and he was laughing at me and some guy yelled out, "Hey, buddy, you leave her alone! She's doing her best! You're doing great!" A different time in a different pair of heels, I went to a party and ended up falling on the ground nothing short of 5 times. I think my friends were worried I was going to break my ankle. I woke up with bloody knees and bruises all over my body. I say, out loud, "This is the LAST TIME I wear heels. I don't care how bad my legs will look. I hate these fucking shoes, I'm throwing them out!" literally every single time I wear heels. They hurt my feet and I can't walk in them.

I feel like I'm a person who should wear heels, though. I would love to be the kind of girl who wears 4 inch heels everywhere. It's one of the only aspects of my abilities and self that I'm not self aware of. I can deal with confronting so many of my faults. I'm overweight, I'm self involved, I'm borderline brain dead when it comes to math, I talk in a Kourtney Kardashian monotone voice - whatever, fine. But, I can't wear heels? Sorry, that is unacceptable. That can't be me. I can wear heels. I will try over and over and over and get the same results and still end up convincing myself that I'm a heel person five more times that year. Heels were definitely on my mind when I went shopping for baptism shoes.

I died when I saw these Marc By Marc Jacobs color blocked satin heels at TJ Maxx.


I was imagining finding some kind of sturdy, bland, business casual shoes. Definitely not gorgeous, color blocked shoes. They have a rich, navy peep toe with a beige inner portion and the prettiest azure color for the heels.



These shoes are my new favorite shoes and were a manifest destiny kind of find. They had three pairs of designer shoes in the whole store, one pair of this particular shoe and the pair was in my size. My size in heels in normally a half size smaller so I was worried as I tried them on but they fit perfectly. All of that on top of something that would match my navy dress. Plus, I had received a TJ Maxx gift card two weeks before I purchased them for Christmas. It was a done deal. I paid $25 for these. The cashier commented on what a good deal it was. Marc By Marc Jacobs for $25. I love Marc Jacobs. He was probably the first designer I was ever into and I've never owned anything outside his tongue in cheek discount line. I used to wear his flip flops all the time and almost laughed in my boyfriend's face when he bought a pair of $80 flip flops from Aldo. He retaliated by telling me I wear Marc Jacobs sandals and it should be a big deal. He almost passed out when I told him they were $13 from the Marc Jacobs store in Vegas. I paid $12 more for actual, serious Marc by Marc Jacobs heels.

The most wonderful part of these shoes is that I can walk in them. I don't know what it is. I don't know if the fact that they're designer heels makes an actual difference or a psychological difference. Maybe they're better architecturally or maybe I just imagine that they are. Maybe it's the specific height and thickness of the heel. I have no clue. It was an unbelievable feat for me to wear heels for 20 minutes but I wore these heels for hours. My boyfriend and I drove home the same day as the baptism and I had two shoes with me - a pair of boots and these heels. We stopped at two different rest stops and I wore the heels in each time. This is just extreme to me. I was like, "Eh, it will be easier to wear the heels than put on the boots and take them off afterward." I felt like I was model strutting into New Jersey rest stop bathrooms in these heels. They were legitimately that comfortable and that easy to walk in. It was like some kind of tutorial just downloaded into my brain as soon as my feet entered these heels and boom, I walked in these heels as if they were a pair of sneakers or flats. It was no thing. It was as if it had never been a thing. They're magic, Italian made, color blocked heels. I'm so happy to have a pair of go to heels that are gorgeous and functional.


Speaking of functional shoes, I've needed new sneakers for my entire life. I've really never owned a good pair of workout shoes which I know is unbelievable because I have such a fit, enviable body. I have no idea what kind of shoes these are or what their pros or cons are. I can't even think of fitness buzzwords to add in here for sarcastic effect because I'm probably in the top 5% of unhealthiest people on the planet. I bought these shoes because I really need some kind of motivation to get my ass to the gym and pink shoes are the solution (hopefully). I bought them at Nordstrom Rack with a gift card I got for Christmas and I was kind of bummed out about that. I had a bunch of Nordstrom gift cards and I wanted to hoard them away until I stumbled on something amazing that I just HAD to own. I go to Nordstrom Rack at least once a week and I was envisioning this moment coming maybe weeks or months from now. I didn't want to spend this gift card so quickly after getting it and on such a practical purchase. I wanted to use it on a frivolous purchase that I wouldn't normally part with real dollars over, you know? I'm pretty disgusted over how responsible this decision was. I need proper workout clothes to become healthy and to lose weight. I need to lose weight so I can buy and wear the cute, frivolous clothes I would have bought with that gift card.


I'm a parody of myself, I know, but I almost turned these down because I didn't feel they were pink enough. The blue swish and laces were the part of these shoes that were "too much" for me. I'm in love with them now that I have them home. They're just so bright and pretty and fun to look at.

Again, I have zero idea about what these shoes will do for my workout or my body. All I've noticed is that they're much lighter than my old sneakers. My old ones feel like they're made of bricks, by comparison. Ugly bricks with a bad color palette.


Look at these things. They're probably the grossest thing I own. I'm not even referring to that fact that they're old, which they are. I'm referring to the weird, swirly, berry purple and slime green color combination. They look like something you'd buy from Zany Brainy in the 1990's. I bought them because they were the cheapest sneakers in Famous Footwear back in 2011 and I needed sneakers to wear to work in a hurry. These have been my only semblance of supportive footwear for the past 3 years. Is it any wonder that I weigh what I do? Who would want to put these abominations on for a second, let alone for an hour in a public gym?

Now, I have cute shoes to work out in and I hate that I spent my precious gift card on them. Hopefully cuteness + self hatred is the magic formula I need to plant my ass in the gym. I suspect that cancelling my cable next month will be the biggest factor. My arms just might be tied if the only way to watch bad reality TV and Lifetime movies is to watch them while on the treadmill.

Finally, the one thing I truly wanted, nay, NEEDED, for Christmas was new rain boots. My old ones were $14 from Target and a size too big. I never wore them because I tripped over my own feet every tenth step. Like, they were enough of a problem that I'd rather wear other shoes that could potentially be ruined rather than my one pair of waterproof shoes. They were also bright yellow and covered in a red strawberry print. Not the most versatile shoe. I walk at least a mile every week day which is fine so long as it isn't monsooning out and the sidewalks haven't become tiny rivers. I had water soak through my leather riding boots on two occasions and it was just becoming a joke. I'd wake up on rainy days and be like, "Well, today's plans include ruining a pair of shoes."

Luckily, I asked for and received Hunter rain boots for Christmas. Black, tall and glossy. I wanted something that I could be sure would last and obviously Hunter is that brand from rain boots. Like, they shipped from the United Kingdom. The UK knows rain. I had a moment of doubt after I asked for them because I saw that they came in a bubblegum pink color.

They're adorable and look edible, almost. That glossy pink just reminds me of candy. My boyfriend watched me open the Hunter box on Christmas Eve and I think he thought they were going to be the pink ones up until the last second. My maturity persevered, though, and I went with the black. I wear almost nothing but black yoga pants, Minnie pants and leggings as bottoms so black was the obvious choice.

These boots are amazing. Amazing amazing amazing. It's almost liberating to just walk directly through giant puddles and swampy areas of grass while wearing them. I'm really disgusted by dirty water, especially living in a city. Who knows what's in it? I'm not going to think about it. I just know I like having waterproof protection all the way up to my knees. I have sequoia tree trunk calves and these boots fit, no problem, even with chunky socks underneath. They're just so comfortable, durable and practical. Hopefully, I'll end up owning these things for the next ten years of my life.

I just knocked it out of the park with practical shoes in a month. Heels I can walk in, adorable running shoes and quality rain boots. I feel like my shoe collection is complete, so long as my new found ability to walk in (one pair of) heels doesn't get to my head.

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