December 9, 2013

Totally Bamboo State Cutting Boards

Let me begin by saying I take 0 credit for finding this product. A friend of mine posted the New Jersey cutting board on my Facebook wall which I very much appreciate for obvious reasons. I'm a loudmouth with killer nails and I've very convinced that Bruce Springsteen music reverberates in my actual soul. To paraphrase The Times, I never met a Jersey stereotype I didn't love to death. It warms my heart when people think of New Jersey and then think of me and I really mean that. Of course I want a cutting board shaped like New Jersey.

However, I don't cook. I'm a fuck-up of colossal proportions in the kitchen. I pretended I could until around age 20, at which point it was time to come to terms with who I am as a person. That person is someone who is sitcom level "I even burn cereal!" bad at cooking. I'm not going to get down to the specifics of it because, honestly, it's not something to be proud of but I'm completely at peace with it. I don't want to cook. Handling raw meat grosses me out and the whole process is just way too time consuming. I'd rather order take out like the good lord intended. I used to live alone and I would make myself toast with peanut butter for dinner every night and I was totally fine with that. The only recipe that I have ever created is mixing ranch dressing and some kind of red spice with boil in a bag brown rice. I have other strengths and I don't worry about. Can't turn a ho into a housewife and all that. I'm the last person who should purchase a cutting board for themselves, even if it is shaped like the best state in the union.

However, my boyfriend is Italian and makes the best non restaurant food I've ever eaten in my life. He has his own signature red sauce that he makes from scratch and doesn't even have it written down anywhere because he just instinctively knows how to add ingredients so that it ends up tasting just right. There is a half eaten plate of these ricotta and prosciutto hors d'oeuvres things in the fridge as I type this that he made for us today. He's the one who cooks for us not only because I'm hopeless but because he's fantastic at it. I am no longer allowed in our kitchen because I move things around and then he can't find his measuring cups or oregano. The kitchen is where I keep my tea and fruit snacks and where I operate my coffee machine. It belongs entirely to my boyfriend in all other instances. I would literally never enter the kitchen if we were rich. I'd just have an office or something with my own mini fridge and a bar cart. That would be something we would both wanted. That's neither here nor there though because Wolfgang Puck is my private chef in my elaborate me as a rich person fantasies and I would have no time to even worry about the food with a shirtless Tom Hardy as my personal waiter.

Anyway, in the here and now, my boyfriend cooks our food. I decided to be thoughtful and order the cutting board in the shape of his home state, New York (specifically Long Island). I was put off when saw that the New York cutting board didn't include Long Island. I felt like that would be like giving me a supposedly thoughtful present in the shape of South Jersey. Almost, but not quite. Technically the same, but not culturally the same. That would be assuming that I live in the wilderness, say things like "water ice" and root for Philadelphia sports teams. Likewise, I don't think my boyfriend has ever been to a Stewarts in his life and probably doesn't even know what SPAC is. Sure, that's the shape of his state but they left out where he lives. I didn't want him chopping vegetables on such an inconclusive representation of New York.
 Luckily, I was shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond on Black Friday and stumbled across a Long Island shaped board. I bought it on the spot. My boyfriend liked it so much that he decided he wants to hang it up in his kitchen rather than dirty it up with chicken and tomato juices. That's probably for the best because some of these cutting boards won't be the most functional investment for your home. A lot of states have very impractical shapes for this kind of thing. You come out on top if you're from one of the homogenously rectangle states or somewhere like Montana or Kansas. Then again, it also means you're attached enough to a place like Montana or Kansas buy things in it's likeness. No one wants "it makes a good cutting board" to be the selling point for their state.
Wyoming looks like you got a normal cutting board for a few bucks off because you noticed that it was cut kind of wonky on one side and the store manager said it was defective.

These cutting boards would make a great novelty gift at just $19 apiece. They're good for any cooks, people who have recently moved into their own apartment/home or people who identify too heavily with a specific region of the United States. They come in almost every state (sorry Hawaii) and even include Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia and Long Island. There's even a continental United States shape if you're indecisive. As the name implies, they're made entirely of bamboo and even have a predrilled hole if you want to use them for decorations. Get them here or at Bed Bath and Beyond's stores and site.

Freedom is being able to chop up an onion on a bamboo cut out of your state. God bless America.

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