October 21, 2013

Charlotte Olympia Cosmic Collection Flats

I love the look of smoking slippers but I steer clear of them for the most part because they're generally a bit pointy toed and seem like they elongate your feet a little. That's just bad news for me because I have enormo feet to begin with - I'm pretty sure I'm about a half inch shorter than the average American woman but my feet are a full shoe size and a half bigger than the average so you do the math. The blueprint for my smaller framed body got all messed up below my calves and I ended up with cankles and skis for feet. Every other girl in the 8.5 section of the shoe aisle is A L W A Y S a good five inches taller than me and if she's not she's complaining to her friend about what big feet she has. All the better to go cross country skiing with, my dears.

I would totally be willing to saw off half my foot to pull off these Charlotte Olympia zodiac smoking slippers. The main problem is that at $695 (which means $700, let's not skirt around here) I would probably have to do just that and sell my foot halves on the black market to finance the purchase. There just isn't a thing about them that isn't perfect and adorable, though. Metallic leather piping? The heart shaped toe box? The FACETED CRYSTAL zodiac sign? I keep telling myself no shoe can be that perfect and they probably pinch or make your feet bleed a quart of blood so I won't feel bad about the harsh reality of not being rich enough to throw $700 at a pair of shoes. Why does something so gorgeous have to be so unattainable? They're like the shoe version of Tom Hardy.

These are the Scorpio ones and the color is to die for. Obviously, Scorpio is my sign because it's the sign for moody bitches. I'm actually on the cusp and I find the Charlotte Olympia descriptions for these insulting because it puts my birthday under Sagittarius instead and that's just plain wrong. My feelings are hurt. **

I think the Pisces and Libra shoes are especially beautiful standouts as well. The Libra ones look so delicate and the Pisces color and design is so rich and vibrant.

Charlotte Olympia is also making equally adorable clutches to match for only $995 a pop - just because the price of the shoes isn't insulting enough as is. I have been combing the internet for dupes of this line for months now without any luck. There aren't even crappy knockoffs to settle for. There's just non at all. Maybe I will start looking at my horoscope after all because if it ever tells me my luck is going to change for the better? That would probably mean these shoes are marked down 90%.

**I'm embarrassingly into astrology which I feel is kind of out of character for someone as realistic as I am, especially since I'm not spiritual or religious or concerned in any way with why things happen or higher powers or divine anything. Don't get me wrong. I rarely read my horoscope and I'm never thinking things like "Ugh, I feel so crummy today, must be because Mercury is in retrograde!" That's not me. I also get that astrology, logically, is bullshit and vague enough to account for the fact that 12 signs and personality descriptors have to apply to every person who has ever lived or will live. Astrology generalizes the entire human race and to say that's an impossible task is an understatement.

That being said, astrology is just on point for me and for a lot of people who are close to me. I love Scorpio things because if you read anything about how Scorpios "are" it's just describing me. I am the epitome of a Scorpio. The creepily good memory, the inability to let go of grudges, the intolerance of flattery, the precise bullshit radar, the intensity of any and all feelings and the disinterest in talking about them, the cold exterior, the competitive nature - all me. It doesn't matter how in depth a Scorpio description goes. It can be delving really deep into how a Scorpio handles ANYTHING like fights, dating, friendships, whatever or it can be brief 3 bullet each blurb about positive and negative traits. It's always eerily on point for me. I like Scorpio items because owning them feels like a celebration of my personality. How else can you celebrate being an intense bitch on such a global scale? You don't.

My bff is equally into astrology and had me look up my moon sign (Aquarius) once and I was almost barfing at how me descriptions of Scorpio sun/Aquarius moon were. It was like I was Jim Carrey in the Truman Show and people had been following me with cameras and reading my thoughts my whole life just to come up with that description. I'll just end this post now because I'm sure some of you are beginning to think I must believe in conspiracy theories and curing cancer with hugs, too.

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