June 30, 2013

Haul - Whales & Minnie Mouse

I think I deserve a holiday in my honor for the restraint I show while shopping. I was in Nordstrom Rack today, petting discounted things I still can't afford (as I do) and I saw a plate that was shaped like a painter's palette. Just a white ceramic plate in a palette shape with 4 deep cups for sauces so you could use different colored dips and make them look like paint. I passed because I'd fill every cup with ranch and cover the plate in McDonald's chicken strips so the cutesy artsy vibe is really lost.

Instead, I stuck to making two purchases I've been wanting for awhile:

J Crew whale sweater navy green
I have been to literally every single J Crew in the District of Columbia looking for this sweater. That isn't hyperbole. I went to the one by Ford's Theater. I went to the one right on the Maryland border*. I went to the Georgetown one. Each only had one and always in a size L or XL. I finally found a whole hoard of them today back in the Georgetown location. I can't even tell you why I wanted this sweater so badly. I just think it's so damn cute. However, the first thing out of my boyfriend's mouth was "Aren't you worried about the implications of wearing something with whales on it?" Hurtful.

OPI Minnie Mouse Minnie Style
This is OPI Minnie Style from the new Minnie Mouse OPI summer collection. I practically jumped for joy when I saw this in Nordstrom Rack. The new Minnie collection is kind of blah to me (as most exclusively pink and red collections are) but I desperately wanted this color as soon as I saw it. That was months ago. The closest Ultas to DC are at the very ends of the Metro, plus some extra walking. It's a blessing from above that I can use Nordstrom Rack as an alternative for OPI. I would probably not even be too devastated if you sat me down and told me that I had to do all of my shopping at Nordstrom Rack. They have everything.

*This is probably shameful but today was the first day where I really realized where the DC/Maryland border is. I was looking up directions for something that had been described as "Chevy Chase" and I was like "Ugh, man, I have to go all the way into Maryland today..." and you should have seen my face when I put the address into Google Maps and saw it was a literal 3 blocks from places that I go weekly. Have you ever seen that gif of The Situation from Jersey Shore whipping off his sunglasses and making this over exaggerated, faux shocked face? That was me. I've been in Maryland so many times when I thought I was in DC. Like, I'll be shopping at J Crew and decide I want to go to Sephora and cross the street and by crossing the street I was crossing the border into Maryland. That's MESSED UP. I feel like there should be a gate I have to walk through or something. It's just not right. I'm trying to do errands over here, not be some kind of world traveler. Lay off, Maryland.

June 27, 2013

Review: Cirque Le Invader

Cirque Le Invader nail polish review swatches
I saw Cirque's Le Invader from their Arcus collection and needed it. Needed it. Multicolor, super shiny SQUARE glitter pieces? How often can I look at a nail polish and know I have nothing even close to it already in my collection? This was easily one of the most unique glitters I had ever seen and I Needed It. 

Cirque Le Invader nail polish review swatches

Cirque Le Invader nail polish review swatches

Cirque Le Invader nail polish review swatches
Their site says that "Cirque is an artisanal line of hand-blended nail polish made in New York.  
Cirque nail lacquer is 3-Free, which means it does not contain toluene, formaldehyde and dibutyl phthalate (DBP). Each bottle holds .45 oz / 13.2 ml of product and contains high quality essential oils, such as lavender and clary sage, to lend your hands a subtle scent after the polish dries.  All our products are are hand-mixed in small batches and hand-poured individually.  Slight variances may occur and are a natural part of the handmade process." It's like a professional brand with an indie formula so it's the best of both worlds. You get the chunky, big glitters that are unique to indie polishes yet you don't have to order from some sketchy website or unreliable Etsy seller.
Cirque Le Invader nail polish review swatches Essie Borrowed and Blue
I decided to pair it with Essie's Borrowed and Blue, a light baby blue so the glitter would stand out as much as possible.

Cirque Le Invader nail polish review swatches Essie Borrowed and Blue

Cirque Le Invader nail polish review swatches Essie Borrowed and Blue

This is all one coat. One coat. This isn't a sparse, wimpy glitter at all. The glitter pieces totally coat your nails and the pieces themselves are really metallic and pick up the light to give them a gorgeous shine.

You can order Cirque polishes here.

June 22, 2013

Can I Brag About This Deal?

J Crew is always killing me softly with sweaters and pants. I've talked about the pants before. I live and die for J Crew's Minnie pants. I want every color. The same with their sweaters. It's a destructive force in my life. I want every single one. The prices, though. Who has $80 to throw at a sweater? Rich people, I guess, which definitely isn't a demographic I'm a part of. So, I was seriously sad back in May when I saw this sweater.

A J Crew sweater? With BUTTERFLIES? I would. I so would. But for $98 which was the original price? I wouldn't. I wouldn't spend $98 on a cashmere sweater with hand stitched gold embroidery. I'm not spending $98 to fulfill my 13 year old girl obsession with butterflies. The price dropped to $70 online sometime in the past month and still, not even then.

I was browsing J Crew's clearance section this weekend and lo, the sweater was there. Both versions of the sweater, since it also comes in blue with orange butterflies. The tag said it was a mere $30 and I was like okay, okay, this sweater was sent from above to my hands. Obviously the rich, upper crust people who frequent J Crew aren't 13 year old girls like I am and they've cast this perfect butterfly sweater into the clearance section. They don't recognize it's glory so now it can be mine for more than half of what I saw it for online and that was the sale price even so total win. I was pretty pleased with myself when I took it to the register. And then the girl told me it was an extra 25% off. WHAT. She did some kind of magic with the register and it rung up for $17 and change. I blew my fancy J Crew connoisseur cover because I was like "WHAT??????? IT'S $17??? IS THIS REAL????" and she was like, "Because this is on clearance it will be final sale..." and I was like, "HOW COULD I EVER RETURN THIS AMAZING BUTTERFLY SWEATER??? WHAT???" 


I obviously got it in this other color too because two butterfly sweaters for $35 total when they were originally $98? Bye.

You should probably go to J Crew if you're sweater shopping in the summer like I am because they're stopping just short of handing these things out to passerby. $17 for a J Crew sweater? I think I've paid more for a Forever21 sweater that's probably made of plastic.

June 14, 2013

I Had To

They're impractical and too tall for me but they were ridiculously marked down at the Nine West outlet and I had to. I had to have them.

Nine West outlet glitter heels

Nine West outlet glitter heels

Nine West outlet glitter heels
I think they're covered in just straight craft glitter. $12.50 though! Can you believe no one else would want these?? They go with everything.

June 12, 2013

Review: Organix Moroccan Argan Oil Penetrating Oil

Organix Moroccan Argan Oil Penetrating Oil hair serum treatment review
Moroccan Oil is one of my favorite things to put on my hair - the actual Moroccanoil Moroccan oil with the blue and orange label and incredible smell. It always leaves my hair glossy and manageable. Unfortunately, it's also $43 for 3.4 oz and I don't have money to throw at that kind of thing right now.

Luckily, I went out to purchase a new anti frizz serum and I noticed a ton of drugstore lines are now carrying their own Moroccan oils. I picked up this bottle from Organix - roughly the same about of fl oz but for $8. The only time I know how to do math is when I'm calculating savings like this, I know.

I was nervous about how this would hold up to my beloved Moroccanoil brand. I was let down when I realized this didn't have the same fragrance. I usually love unscented items but I love that spicy, woody scent. I was also initially kind of put off when I worked this into my ends and found that they were left a bit sticky. I never get the light version of Moroccanoil but it initially seemed like this brand was too heavy for my fine hair.

I straightened my hair and slept on it and my ends were as good as new when I woke up - almost literally. Not only was the stickiness gone but my ends looked soft and healthy. I'll probably be very conservative from now on if I'm applying this to my hair before going out. This does say for all hair types but I probably should have gone with the "light" version they were selling if I wanted to fuss less. Still, this is a great, accessible dupe for the salon exclusive and salon priced Moroccanoil. I'd especially look into this if you have thicker hair. If it can work wonders on my fine, brittle ends, I can only imagine how it would transform healthier, fuller hair. I'm sure it would be Disney princess level.

June 10, 2013

Packing For A Trip Down The Shore

I don't even know how I'm surprised that I was convinced to spend 3 days down the shore with my best friend from high school this week. Rereading the Facebook messages, it literally took me 8 minutes to go from "I don't know, it's hard to get to shore points from DC, eh, I'll think about it but I'm really saying no..." to "Alright, you'll pick me up at what time in Philadelphia? I'm booking the bus now." This is just my life with her. I'm spontaneous by proxy. I've accepted it and moved on.

Some quick photos of packing:

 I have such a problem with eyeshadow. I think I'm reasonable with packing the rest of my makeup - just my everyday products. A highlighter thrown in. A lip balm with SPF, one lipcolor, two glosses, a lipliner. And then about 20 eyeshadows. I can't just say that my 12 pan Naked palette will cover it for 3 days. I'm no mathematician but I know you can get a lot of combinations out of 12 different eyeshadows. No, I have to bring at least 10 more. I'm that unreasonable.

 I'm sitcom laugh track level over the top with packing nail polish. My nail polish addiction just seems like such an exaggerated part of my personality but I can't help it. I'm just a parody of myself. I'm pretty proud of myself for narrowing it down to this for a 3 day trip. I had to restrain myself from throwing all my neons into the bag, too. I love having a loud, glowing neon color on my nails but I save them for summer days when I know I'm going to be out in the sun. I'm not settling for less than their full in your face effect that the sunlight brings out. A beach day is obviously the perfect setting. I'm bringing China Glaze Pool Party (the perfect neon hot pink), China Glaze I'm With The Lifeguard (an obnoxiously bright, shimmery lime green) and Essie's Knockout Pout (a warm baby pink) for my neon fix - plus OPI's Alpine Snow to use as a base to kick them up a notch.

 This half full suitcase is a pretty accurate depiction of my closet. Half of my stuff is blah basics in neutrals and black and navy and black. The other half is hot pink, leopard print and rhinestone studded. Some people mix and match their high/low end pieces, I mix and match my Jersey girl tween and normal person pieces.

I was marveling at how lightly I had packed this suitcase (even though I have way too many outfits for 3 days) but the space was filled by my toiletry bag, straightener, nail polish bags, cosmetic case, blow dryer, blahblah. I've been called low maintenance before, if you can believe that.

 My nail care basics and some jewelry thrown into those little satiny pouches that I have about a dozen of but would never be able to tell you where from. They just exist here in my life. So it is.

This packing for fun in the sun might be all for nothing, though, if you're willing to believe this weekly forecast.
Like, honestly? Bad things happen to bad people. Rai-i-ain, on my vacation days! A free ride when I've already paid!

This might be a blessing in disguise because I'm nowhere near bikini ready. I'm Victoria's Secret outlet sweatshirt with the hood pulled over my head ready. I'm buy a box of salt water taffy and some cheese fries to go ready. I can't even stress how badly I should not be in a bathing suit right now. Like, to prepare myself for this trip I dieted for 2 days and then ate Ray's Hellburger and Chipotle for my weekend dinners. My "are you feeling okay?" level paleness and backfat aren't bikini ready. I was planning and hoping to roast a little in the sun but I'll just take it as divine intervention if it's too rainy to allow that to happen.

Either way, fun fun fun 'til daddy takes the T bird away.

June 8, 2013

Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic


Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic Review travel

Let me start this off by saying that I'm about Vera Bradley. I used to sell Vera Bradley. I was on the style page of my senior yearbook for the Vera Bradley trend. Vera Bradley and I go way back. But I understand that people have Issues with the brand. It's too expensive, the patterns are ugly, it looks like old lady stuff, it's too college/high school girl, whatever. I get some of that - I hate the purses and some of the patterns are not for me. Still, my bias and whatever your bias is aside, their Grand Cosmetic case is unbeatable. 

I had a one compartment, vinyl toiletry bag that I used for traveling from about 7th grade up until November so. Some things just aren't meant to last over a decade, I guess - obviously shotty craftsmanship there. I was in the market for a new one because I travel a decent amount and I realized the market sucks pretty quickly. My qualifications seemed pretty easy. I just wanted a case big enough for my shit and with compartments so I could be organized instead of just tossing everything in together. Target, Zappos, Amazon, Macys, Wal-Mart, on and on, nowhere had anything that was good enough. Then, my boyfriend's mom ordered a Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic for a trip she was taking to Puerto Rico. I knew it was The One as soon as I looked at it. THE toiletry bag every girl waits all her life to find.

I think Vera Bradley makes next level cosmetic cases as is. This might sound kind of salesgirl but the lining they have in each of the styles is genius. Your foundation leaks? Your hairspray explodes? Whatever, the inside is lined with plastic. Just wipe it off. Nothing is stained. You can even throw the whole thing in the washing machine if it gets dirty. And these things last surprisingly long. My friend came to visit in March and had a Vera Bradley cosmetic case and I was like, "When did you get this? This is an old pattern!" and she was like, "YOU got me that for a high school graduation gift, dumbass..." which for us was in 2008. You might be paying a little more but you're paying for something you can wash, something where you know the zipper won't break, etc etc and you can potentially get at least 5 years worth of use out of it.

Onto this specific cosmetic case: I think the name "cosmetic case" is kind of a misnomer because this thing is huge. Just for the sake of science, I tested how it would work strictly for cosmetics. It fit all of my lip products, eyeliners, single/quad eyeshadows, Naked palettes, Nyx palettes and blushes. All of that takes up more than two full drawers in my Ikea Alex storage unit. Guesstimation, that's about 30 eyeshadows, 20 eyeliners, 20 lipsticks, 5 palettes, 10 blushes and 30 lip glosses. I wouldn't use this as a cosmetic case for my entire collection because I like to clearly see everything in front of me rather than have it in a bag but you could if you wanted to, even if your collection is extensive.

Obviously this bag is big - the website lists the dimensions as 11.5 x 8 x 4.5 and there's 5 slip pockets inside (3 small, 2 large) and a really spacious interior.

Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic Review pockets interior travel
That weird discoloration is Q-tips and cotton rounds that I forgot to clear out. I'm a horrible blogger. I know.
Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic Review pockets interior travel

It's a bit easier to understand how much this really holds when it's filled.

Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic Review pockets interior travel

Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic Review pockets interior travel

Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic Review pockets interior travel
As you can see, this bag holds full size products, not just wimpy travel sized stuff. That L'Oreal Elnett hairspray is probably my tallest beauty product and it fits in the main compartment easily. The bigger side pockets easily hold a full pack of Neutrogena make up removing wipes. Even the smaller side pockets can fit 2 or 3 travel side products. This thing also becomes pretty sturdy once it's filled and ends up with a solid rectangular shape which makes it really easy to pack. And like I said before, your hairspray explodes during a flight? Whatever, the inside is lined. Easy clean up. It's not just going to leak onto the outer fabric and ruin the rest of your stuff in the suitcase.

I'm sure most people travel with travel sized containers rather than full sized ones. The space this will give you if you stick to travel size is out of this world. You'll be able to fit all your toiletries, makeup, nail stuff, brushes, whatever, even if it was a longer trip. If your vacation plans allow it, I'm sure you could even stick travel sized laundry detergent and dish soap into this bag. There's so much room.

Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic Review pockets interior travel how much does the grand cosmetic hold
I'd say this picture is a pretty extensive example of the things you could take on a trip and shows both full sized and travel sized items (but no toothbrush or toothpaste, again, worst blogger). Shampoo, conditioner, styling cream, sunblock, makeup removing wipes, a loofah, nail polish remover, deodorant, face mask, body wash, hair spray, face wash, a razor and dry shampoo - all fits into this toiletry case. And only 3 of these things are travel sized. Holding capacity for days.

I get that people aren't into Vera Bradley. I really, really do. And I get it. Can you buy better sunglasses cases, better duffel bags, better backpacks, better umbrellas, whatever else than Vera Bradley? I'm sure you can. There are things where you're just buying it for the name or the pattern. There are two things that I think are Worth It though: their keychain ID cases (a college staple for a reason) and their cosmetic bags. If you're not buying a train case or some elaborate furniture level storage for your cosmetics, I think you should be buying Vera Bradley and this case in particular is the business. I think you should just get over it if you think Vera Bradley is ugly or whatever, just for the sake of this toiletry bag. It alleviates so much stress when you pack, it's functional and it's like a clown car for bath products.

The Vera Bradley Grand Cosmetic is $42 but sale patterns are generally $10 or so cheaper. A good money saving tip is to sign up for an account. They mail you a voucher that you can use during your birthday month for $20 off anything which is insanely generous. $20 off anything. You can get something that costs literally $20 and use the voucher for it and get it for free. Or, you could use it for this case and get it for $22 which I think is a pretty great save for something of this quality.

You can find the Grand Cosmetic here on their site. Find the pattern you find the least repulsive and get it. You can hide it under your bed or something when you're not making your life easier by traveling with it. No one has to know.

June 7, 2013

Nail of the Day: Estee and Deborah


Estee Lauder Berry Hot and Deborah Lippmann Today Was A Fairytale
 Estee Lauder Berry Hot and Deborah Lippmann Today Was A Fairytale

Today Was A Fairytale contains "virgin diamond powder" and I have fuck all clue about what that really means. But there is a nail polish with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my nails! And it’s only $20 a bottle! That’s like, what, like a million diamonds for $20? A million fucking diamonds! 
 Pretty much me.
Estee Lauder Berry Hot Swatch

Deborah Lippmann Today Was A Fairytale swatch
 Look at that sparkle. Goodbye, I'm dead.

Estee Lauder Berry Hot and Deborah Lippmann Today Was A Fairytale Swatch
 The thumb accent nails are great for feeling glamorous while texting.

Side note: My nail game has been uncharacteristically bad lately. My right middle finger isn't even painted right now because it's such a mess. It's threat level midnight in danger of ripping below my nail line which I really, really would prefer didn't happen. I was playing god with the amount of biotin I was taking to try and speed up the growth process so the rip would reach a level where I could comfortably cut it. Naturally, my face is now covered in acne. That's what you get when you OD on biotin. Now I'm just obsessing applying nail strengtheners directly to the nail and fighting the urge to paint it because chemicals and acetone is probably the last thing it needs right now. I had to cut all of my nails short to match this truant nail too. I can't even talk about it. The struggle.

June 6, 2013

Review: Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Top Coat

Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Quick Dry Top Coat Review
I heard this top coat is comparable to my beloved Seche Vite so I had to try it out. It was a real pain to find but I finally came across it at Target. I don't remember the exact price but I know it was somewhere in the $3-$5 range. Since that's half the cost of Seche Vite I figured I would give it a try.

I love Seche Vite because it dries quickly and leaves my nails with a mirror like shine. It's the top coat I compare all top coats to. The consistency of this Sally Hansen top coat is slightly thinner than Seche which makes it a bit easier to work with. Still, I've heard this top coat gets goopy and thick halfway through the bottle just as all quick dry top coats do - invest in some Seche Restore, guys. Yes, it's not just you and it happens to everyone and the only way to combat it is thinner.

Another bonus is that this dries just as quickly as Seche Vite. Once you try quick dry top coats you'll probably never be able to put anything else on your nails again. You're telling me some people choose to sit around with their nails wet to the touch for longer than a minute? Don't waste my time.

The finish on this is shiny but it's just not up to par for me. It gives your nails a finished look and a nice glossiness but it's just not quite the mirror like shine of Seche Vite. I need to be able to see my reflection in my nails - give me glossiness or give me death. If you don't feel as strongly as I do about the reflective powers of your fingernails, this might be the top coat for you. It's a save compared to Seche Vite and you still get the quick dry time - just not the finish I would consider perfect.

June 5, 2013

May Beauty Favorites


Urban Decay make create your own palette Moondust eyeshadows Diamond Dog Space Cowboy Moonspoon
Urban Decay Moondust Eyeshadows
I've talked enough about how amazing these shadows are. I think they're flawless as far as glitter shadows go and they're everything I hoped they'd be. I've been integrating Space Cowboy, the champagne shimmer, into almost every eye look as a super sparkly highlight. It's so versatile and adds a little ~something extra~ to every look.

Nars Kalahari Eyeshadow Duo
Nars Kalahari Duo
I've been wearing the milk chocolatey color all over my lid almost everyday this month. I like to use Nars Galapagos or Urban Decay Toasted in the crease but this Kalahari color goes with almost anything. It's probably my favorite of all my Nars duos.

Urban Decay make create your own palette Moondust eyeshadows Diamond Dog Space Cowboy Moonspoon
Urban Decay Build Your Own Palette
I love that the Urban Decay redesigned single shadows pop out of their cases so easily and fit into these palettes. No heat, no magnets, no mess, no crumbling half the pan of shadow while trying to move it into a Z palette. Total simplicity. I mostly love it because this purchase was such a steal. Urban Decay single shadows are between $18-$20 and the empty palettes are $10. However, they sell palettes like this one with a single shadow already in them for $18 AND I got it during a 30% off promotion on beauty.com. I essentially paid $14 for a full size eyeshadow and got the palette totally free.

China Glaze Up and Away! Something Sweet, Sugar High, Heli-Yum, High Hopes, Peachy Keen, Lemon Fizz, Refresh Mint, Four Leaf Clover, Flyin High, Light As Air
Something Sweet, Sugar High, Heli-Yum, High Hopes, Peachy Keen, Lemon Fizz, Refresh Mint, Four Leaf Clover, Flyin High, Light As Air (the ones I don't have: Happy Go Lucky, Grape Pop)
China Glaze Up and Away! Collection
I've been wearing this collection almost exclusively this month, especially Flyin' High (the blue). I know, I know, pastels? For spring? Groundbreaking. But this is really the quintessential spring nail polish collection and all of these cremes are so happy looking. They just look like sunny, warm weather on your nails. 

Stila 33a brush foundation
Stila #33a Brush
I've been using a foundation brush instead of my fingers as of late and this one is my current favorite.

Revlon Lip Butter in Peach Parfait
I like how subtle this lip color is while still adding a feeling of warmth to your face.

Hard Candy Party Central, Party Lights, Gummy Green, Pink Taffy, Jubilee
Party Central, Party Lights, Gummy Green, Pink Taffy, Jubilee
 Hard Candy Nail Polishes
I love Hard Candy's redesigned nail polish line. I'm kind of skeptical about the skinnier bottles - taller bottles are prone to thickening - but I barely care with these kinds of glitters. They're reminiscent of indie polish brands and fraken lines that use big, craft glitter and unique combinations. I like that I can get that look without paying an arm and a leg or dealing with shady sellers like Lynderella.

June 4, 2013

May Non Beauty Favorites

I know this is so cliche and everything but I don't even know how it's June 2013 already. I'm pretty sure if you asked me what happene ten years ago I'd be like "Oh, German reunification, I guess?" because in my mind 1990 was ten years ago. No, we're halfway through 2013. Ignition (Remix) was released ten years ago. That's what happened ten years ago in freaking  2003. I need a minute.


Mochi
For anyone who has never had it, mochi is a Japanese dessert that's mostly made of rice paste. It's kind of hard to describe - think of a little ball of dough filled with paste or ice cream. It doesn't sound great with that vivid description but it's beyond the beyond. It's a really strange thing to eat because the rice shell is so doughy and chewy and the inside is soft and sweet (or cold if it's filled with ice cream). I used to eat mochi ice cream when I lived in Hawaii when I was 3 or so and forgot about it entirely until I was 16. Just full on forgot about its existence. I never thought of it again until they served it as a dessert at a Japanese restaurant in the city. It was like a repressed memory coming back when I saw it and I was practically flailing around in front of my dad about how "THIS IS THAT THING! FROM HAWAII!". Japanese food is obviously a lot more prevalent in semi nearby Hawaii than it is in halfway around the world New Jersey so I've had it a whole three time since THAT moment, just whenever it would surprise me on the dessert menu when I was out for sushi. And I'm always flipping out when they have it. I never get over it. I know they look like some weird sea creature or something in that picture above but I promise, they taste so good and so unlike anything you've ever had.

So, I pretty much shit myself when I saw a whole box of it for about $3 on a store shelf down here. I was just minding my own business in World Market, looking at a Hawaiian food themed shelf, contemplating whether or not I could get a bag of chocolate covered macadamias to my dad in Jersey without a chocolate meltdown and I saw it. The above box with the word "mochi" on it. I ripped it off the shelf and was pretty much sitting on the floor in front of the display and just holding the box with two hands, wide eyed. That's the visual. Like, you're telling me I can buy this whenever I want? I can give a cashier $3 and get a whole box of mochi to keep in my fridge? This is fantastic. I'm kidding, it's not, because I bought the box and ate the entire thing in one day and those little shits are around 130 calories EACH. Whatever. Worth it.

Judge Judy
You're probably some delinquent if you don't love Judge Judy but I've been on a kick this month. It's moved a step beyond casual TV watching and into the realm where I'm ignoring or getting agitated with my boyfriend if he's talking during a deliberation. Sorry, I need to know if this snaggle toothed, stringy haired bitch violated her lease! I have to find out if this girl's deadbeat boyfriend has to pay for the car he totaled! I need to know if breeding that puppy was a breach of contract! It's important! I'm just very passionate about Judge Judith Sheindlin. I think she's a boss bitch and deserves every single dollar of her $45 million/year salary (I KNOW!) and I kind of feel like she's my friend because she went to my boyfriend's school and probably lived in my neighborhood at one point. Like, I have probably walked in her footsteps during my time in DC. And she's Ukrainian (like all the baddest bitches are) and gets pissed if someone assumes she's conservative. I love her in a real way. I'd probably fight someone who questioned Judge Judy's greatness, if only so I could take them to Judy's court and get yelled at to look into her eyes while I'm talking and not to think I'm smarter than her because I'm not.


Target has such great sundresses for larger chests (as a side note: anything with fit and flare in the title is probably a good bet if you're stacked). I got this one and I don't even care that it's one of those mullet cuts which I usually think are hideous. It's subtle enough. It's so flowy, the pattern is gorgeous, I love the gray green color and the crochet detailing kind of gives you the illusion of a curvier shape. I had to restrain myself from getting the same dress in another print (they have 3 other options) because I have, oh, about 25 sundresses hanging in the closet right now and literally had to buy more hangers to accommodate them.

Sabra Spinach and Artichoke Hummus
I always take this hummus out of my fridge expecting to eat just dip a couple pretzels into it and move on with my life but then I black out and when I wake up half the tub of hummus is gone and I'm holding a pretzel that's totally coated in at least an oz of hummus. I really try to trick myself into thinking that this stuff is just okay so I won't eat it as much but that's a bald faced lie. This list really shines some light onto why I've packed on the pounds this month.

You're not going to eat all that watermelon, Mr. Frampton!
The Smashing Pumpkins
Who doesn't like The Smashing Pumpkins, honestly? One time this guy tried to have a 500 Days of Summer moment with me on the Metro when he saw I was listening to The Smashing Pumpkins and told me he loved them and I was like, "Yeah, you and everyone else in the world." I've been playing Shame and Czarina (I know) nonstop.

Millais' Ophelia 
I'm kicking myself for only seeing this twice when it was here in DC as part of the Pre-Raphealites exhibit which was stupendously kitschy, by the way. I genuinely love this painting in spite of the kitsch and twice was not enough. It was stunning in person. The lace and beadwork on the dress, the poppies in the water, all the precisely rendered foliage - s t u n n i n g. I'll potentially never see it again in my life since it's in the Tate in London (which is about last on my travel wishlist because England is the only place I've been to in Europe) so I tried to stare at it as long as I could. I'm pretty sure people were annoyed because it was the most famous and popular work in the exhibition and I was standing inches away and completely hogging it but I don't care. This is one Pre-Raphealite work where you can be rusty on the symbolism or the literary inspiration and still end up captivated by it. And even though I can't stand the brotherhood's ideas, I really love that this was done so painstakingly from life. Like, you could have stood at the riverbank Millais went to and seen this exact scene (minus the girl he stuck in the bathtub to paint later on).

Candy Crush Saga
This isn't even a favorite because this game is fucking terrible and impossible to beat and it consumes me and I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it and I'm literally closing this post right now so I can try to beat level 30 for the billionth time.

June 1, 2013

Summer Beauty Adaptations



We're only a couple hours shy of the beginning of June and Washington, DC is already roughly the temperature of hell except probably more humid. People who look cute living in DC in the summer are probably all 90lbs and have pixie cuts and no sweat glands. I have no other explanation for how it could be possibly. I was giving looks of pity to people all day long - people in pants, people in closed toed shoes, people with their hair down, basically anyone who wasn't exposing as much skin as you possibly can without getting arrested.

I thought I played it safe with this lightweight, sleeveless, short sundress and that I'd be comfortable all day which is laughable. It took about 2 minutes for my hair to go up in a ponytail (and even that felt sweltering) and for the two bracelets I was wearing to come off. Probably the grossest moment was when I took off my sunglasses to go into a store, looked in a mirror and saw my makeup had completed melted off my face in the spots where the nose pads of my glasses were. I'm making the following changes to my routine starting tomorrow so I don't melt like the Wicked Witch of the West whenever I step outside my apartment:

Regular mascara to waterproof mascara
I hate wearing waterproof mascara. It makes me feel like my eyelashes are going to break off, especially when I try to remove it at the end of the day. Still, that's probably better than unknowingly walking around for a couple hours with a giant black smudge under my left eye (not that that happened to me today)

Foundation to tinted moisturizer
At the very least I'll have to start mixing my foundation with my sunscreen and toning it way way down on the coverage to prevent my face from sliding off

Full eyeshadow to neutral washes of color
Maybe not. But I should.

Always have a bottle of water in my purse
I met up with my boyfriend for dinner after a day of walking around Dupont Circle. Apparently, he planned to get sandwiches and walk to the Mall for a picnic. It was a cute idea that I ruined because I was Snickers commercial level exhausted and hungry and I needed to sit down and drink something RIGHT NOW. 

Get over my insecurities out of necessity
My upper arms are like sequoia tree trunks wrapped in cottage cheese so I cover them with three quarter sleeves or cardigans in the summer. I'm pretty over that after one day in the DC humidity. Tourists can take pictures of my arm fat all day if they want because I'm about ready to burn anything I own that has sleeves. It's going to be all short shorts for my touching thighs and cellulite accenting dresses from here on out.